Friday, 25 November 2011

Bless The Daily Mail

I had to laugh at this story about a Derby University student who fell off a bed into a clothes horse and had to be rescued by firemen. Ignore the fact that she could have removed the airer herself if she had closed her mouth for a couple of seconds and turned her head 90 degrees, it's funny. Even funnier is the comment at 18:48 that the Daily Mail's student bashers missed.

The old Foreign Object Explanation joke familiar in many variations to anyone who's ever spoken to nurses. That and drunks appears to account for 90% of the workload in Casualty.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Will Septic Bladder Break The Ultimate Taboo?

And admit that footballers are overpaid. Why not have a one off 98% windfall tax on players and clubs to recalibrate wages and transfer fees? There should be a limit of £100,000 per team per season for television rights as well in order that Sky and licence fees are directed to film and drama production instead.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Christmas Temporary Job

Imagine you've just resigned after forty years in the Civil Service and don't feel like decorating the house and there's nothing to do in the garden. Loose Women isn't a possibility.

(with thanks to Leaders We Deserve blog)

Delivering the Christmas post is one option, but why not apply for an indoor job that involves sitting down instead?

(with thanks to Mellowes Adventure and Childcare Centre, Athboy County Meath - the place to see the real Santa!)

There's plenty of Elves to help manage the queues of children for you and, if the queue gets too long, then presumably  Health & Safety rules apply and you can wave them all through, promising that they'll get all the presents they want without asking if they've been good little boys and girls all year long.

Youth Unemployment In UK

So, for the first time ever,  over one million young people aged 16-24 are out of work in Britain.

Part of the cause of this is the freedom of movement for workers within the EEA. This allows people from the poorer member states of the EU etc to migrate to the richer economies where even the national minimum wage is often more than the rate for skilled workers back home. There is, of course, no reciprocity for British workers. And the UKBA and its predecessors has floundered for years over detecting and removing illegal alien workers.

Until the UK government states that its prime duty is to UK nationals and enacts legislation to allow affirmative action for Britons in job recruitment, then freeborn Britlish men and women will be playing uphill on their home turf. That is not fair and is wrong. Until there is only frictional unemployment in the UK, foreign nationals should not be given work permits.

The extremists of the free market will claim that if foreigners are willing to work for 5p and a handful of wet gravel a 36 hour day then so too should British people, otherwise they are uncompetitive and deserve to starve. That is nonsense as the race downwards defeats everyone's interests except those gits paying 50% income tax who claim they are the only hard workers (try doing a crap job without guaranteed hours, split shifts at minimum wage and then redefine hard work). Equally, extremist europhiles will claim that we are enriched by foreign workers and that British workers could go East for jobs if they had the skills and work ethic. So why do foreign workers migrate to Britain if the jobs and pay at home are great, my little cleggista?

But no party will put Britain first.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Still Think International Aid Is A Good Idea, Dave?

India has bought 139 Mil-17 helicopters (sort of a Russian Wasteland Merlin but much cheaper) for $2.345 billion since 2008.

So why the heck is money still taken from British pensioners to pay for DfID water pumps in cow muck thick Indian villages? If you like international aid so much why don't you and Andrew Mitchell and Tarquin an Rupert and Imogen and Samantha and Uncle Tome Cobbley and all who want to build school houses in their gap years so it looks good on the CV for the investment bank job that Daddy's friend has wangled for them pay for it all yourself? It's called charity, you smug git.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

That FIFA Poppy Ban

I'm not a footie fan by any means but if Johhny Foereigner in the shape of someone called Septic Bladder, so I've heard, says that England can't do something then I take the view that we will do it. He's Swiss, a nation famed for creating a safe home for gold and art looted from the rest of Europe by the Nazis. (Advice to foreigners: If you annoy us, don't ever let us sit down and have a cup of tea before we retaliate).

Well, if he says no poppies on footie shirts (how I remember the exquisite pointlessness of standing in studded boots on a cold, wet  and windy games field for the ball and a herd of players to race past every five minutes) then the UKBA should be instructed to don the marigolds every time he transits through a British airport.

(thanks to
He will remember us.

Update: After letters from Dave and Chopper Willy FIFA and FA have compromised on a poppy motif on a black armband. But Remembrance isn't about mourning, it's remembrance. Those Swiss bastards just don't understand anything except cuckoo clocks, triangular chocolate and hiding money for kleptocrats. The International Red Cross is the exception that proves the rule.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Greek Financial Crisis

Stavros and chums could start by turning the lights off to save money.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Open Letter To The Archbishop of Canterbury

Dear Rowan,

Here's the deal: I promise not to pitch my tent outside St Paul's Cathedral or in the lovely gardens of Lambeth Palace - having worked in Lambeth I understand why you need those high walls - so long as you make a few of my requests official Cof E policy. I accept that you and the Church hierachy are reasonable people who believe that everyone else behaves reasonably and fairly (something that the cynical flavours of religion know full well is a load of wibble, hence their relative successes by being nasty to opponents when necessary), which is why we both know you will be a pushover. Anyway, here's the portfolio of policies to begin with:

1   Sovereignty to be vested in the British people with government spending and legislation to be approved by binding referendums,

2    All EU Protection Money contributions to be diverted to investment in British industry and education to increase world competitiveness in preparation for EU collapse,

3    International Aid to be reduced to a sum matching private donations,

4     UK population to be capped at 55 million through labour market balancing and removal of illegal immigrants and asylum seekers who have entered the UK through safe third countries.

I'm sure we've got many more ideas to make Britain better so let's keep in touch.

I'm An Anti-Capitalist Too

I can't stand London, The Great Wen. I commuted to work there for two years and it was dirty and expensive. The root cause of nationalism and regional poverty in England is the economic and democratic deficiency caused by the recent centralisation of power in London. Return real power to the people at local government level and politicians and their apparachiks will have to earn the consent of the people instead of taking the tax cows for granted..