Thursday, 24 September 2009

Dougie Alexander: Rocket Scientist


photo thanks to the Daily Mail

No really. It appears that the brother of Wendy Alexander is helping to fund a major part of the Indian Space Programme, which announced the discovery of water on the moon by its moon probe. Wee Dougie is the Secretary of State for DFID which has given India £200 million annually since 2001 according to this booklet. Admittedly, British taxpayers' money is actually spent on schemes to alleviate poverty, but why doesn't the Indian government give that a higher priority than space technology? How many British moon probes have there been? In return, Tata Industries is planning to close either the Solihull (LandRover) or Castle Bromwich (Jaguar) plants despite receiving subsidised loans. I reckon Dougie should pilot the next Indian moon probe so he can plant his saltire where the sun doesn't shine (the far side). The plain fact is that international development allows countries to continue playing at empires after they granted independence.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Fourth Trident Sub To Be Sold To Iran?


Close sources today speculated that the fourth Vanguard class Trident nuclear deterrent submarine will be decommissioned and sold to a Middle East based company for conversion into a floating hotel. Prime Minister Gordon Broon stated that the move was not due to the MoD's inability to pay the crew's wages but a bold step to encourage Iran, Pakistan, India and North Korea to abandon their nuclear programs. Citing the £17.50 sale price as a major contribution to investment in middle-class people working hard during the global recession, McBroon refused to comment directly when asked if the deal had been brokered by TB Peace Industries Inc, which announced £1.5 billion annual profits today. Defence sources stated that the sale price could have been as low as £10 if work to remove the missile silos and associated electronics was carried out in the UK.
Iranian President Madmaninadinajaqet stated that the submarine would help the tourism industry in Abadan. President Sarkozy made the following comment "Ha-Ha" and Sr Barroso of the EU proposed that the UK's UN Security Council seat could be transferred to the EU in return for an increase in UK budget contributions.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Tesco Has Double Standards As Well As Double Clubcard Points


Not allowed in Tesco

A Jedi Knight was asked to leave a branch of Tesco' because he was wearing a hood - like any Jedi would. I take the view that all religions are equally daft and so my reaction is obvious. But why don't Tesco treat women who wear headcloths appropriate for 7th century Arabia the same as people pretending to be from a galaxy far far away a long time ago?

Support Our Soldiers Christmas Appeal 2009

Apologies for nicking this from a comment by Alison on James Higham's excellent Nourishing Obscurity blog.

Please make a donation here on the fact-packed website.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Schadenfreude

What a splendid word to describe the employment travails of Baroness Scotland. However, Nelson Muntz puts it more succinctly here. Will she be able to reclaim the £10,000 civil penalty that anyone else in these circumstances would be liable for? She's definitely not Bog Standard.

Monday, 14 September 2009

Cargo Ship Makes Historic Journey Through English Channel Without Icebreaker

A cargo ship similar to the MV Noresearch.

As a result of climate change caused only by rich successful Western countries a cargo ship today completed a transit of the English Channel without assistance from an icebreaker.
No icebreaker needed for historic voyage.

The captain of the vessel, MV Noresearch, 15,000 tonnes was able to stand on the ship's bridge in shirtsleeves during the voyage.

photo illustrating naval cold weather gear before climate change.

He reported seeing no Polar Bears, which is because of overfishing and Americans eating meat according to the only climate scientists who tell the truth and refuse to deny the overwhelming evidence.

An iceberg. Note the absence of Polar Bears.
The extent of the ice sheet in the Northern Hemisphere is at its lowest since the end of the last Ice Age more than 11,000 years ago.

Mr Marlowe, an expert on the shipping industry stated exclusively that the "English" Channel or La Manche as it is more usually known could become the world's busiest shipping lane, thereby potentially saving billions of tonnes of CO2 by avoiding the alternative Southampton-motorway-Harwich route to the North Sea.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Oil Discovered In Liverpool?

Michael Shields, the Liverpool fan gaoled for assaulting a Bulgarian barman today received a Royal Pardon from MinJust Jack Straw today. According to the BBC " in 2008 two senior High Court judges ruled that Mr Straw did have the "power and jurisdiction" to exercise the ancient royal prerogative of mercy in his case. "
So perhaps Jack Straw should exercise that same royal prerogative of mercy and tell Obama bluntly that Gary McKinnon isn't leaving Britain for Wild West Justice.

Biffo Cowan Takes British Lives For Granted

In a daring raid New York Times journalist Stephen Farrell was rescued by British forces. A British soldier, Farrell's Afghan interpreter and an Afghan woman were killed in the raid. British PM Gordon Brown honoured the bravery of the dead British soldier and the "breathtaking heroism" of all those taking part in the raid. Stephen Farrell holds joint British-Irish citizenship. Teashop Biffo "Brian" Cowen has so far made no comment or thanks for the sacrifice of the British soldier who rescued an Irish citizen. Is Biffo the new Ungrateful Bastard of The Year, replacing popular Hamid Karzi? Or has the Irish Prez. offered the Republic's thanks on his behalf?

Friday, 4 September 2009

Branwen Jeffreys Scared Me Today

At the end of a piece on the news today (approx. 12 minutes in) about the botched management of a cannibal schizophenic triple murderer the reporter, Branwen Jeffries, sought to calm a panicking nation, rather like Nick Ross's catchphrase at the conclusion of Crimewatch "Don't have nightmares." Ms Jeffries calmly stated that the risk of being murdered in the UK was 1 in 1,000 and the chance of being murdered by a schizophrenic was 1 in 20,000. Er, I'm going to live in Afghanistan if it's really that dangerous. Actually the chance of being murdered in England and Wales* is about 12 per million ( one of the lowest rates in the world) and the risk of being murdered by someone with a mental illness was 0.07 per million. Giving crap statistics, it's what we do. A pity really as there's an excellent programme on Radio 4 called More Or Less that deals with stats.

* the risk of being muddrrrrd in Scotland is about 50% higher and, ironically, the murder rate in Northern Ireland rose after the peace agreement, so it did.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Notes From A Hospital Bed

I discovered this excellent new blog today via the Englishman.
He's too good to get well soon - that's not very fair, is it?

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

So The UK Is In Afghanistan Because...


Fighting the war on terror against Al Quaeda in Afghanistan and Pakistan protects us in England according to Marshal Ainsworth and Notmyfault Broon. Unfortunately, Al Quaeda don't listen to him as they are happy to work from Syria and Iran with the assistance and protection of those countries' governments as this article from the excellent Long War Journal reveals. Doh!