Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Messiah in Loaves And Fishes Sleaze

There were angry calls today for Jesus Christ, an unemployed carpenter from Nazareth to be investigated after claims that he provided meals for 5,000 men after giving a sermon. According to sources close to sandal-wearing Christ, the ingredients amounted to just five loaves and two fishes. Accounting irregularities were suspected immediately afterwards when some twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish were gathered. Asked to explain the apparent discrepancy, bearded Jesus Christ, 33, said "It's just a miracle of strict portion management." Public Health and Trading Standards Inspectors will begin an examination into how someone with no catering qualifications or experience was able to expand the initial quantity so massively without an apparent drop in quality. Initial investigations will focus on the possibility that a Roman sandwichmaker provided undeclared supplies to influence the new religion. "This appears to be just another example of sleaze corrupting religious life", stated a spokesmen for the Pharisees. Rome-based Vatican Bakeries denied any involvement in the event but added they were interested in developing new business areas with Christianity. Former Governor of Britannia, Mendax Antonius Blairus recently joined Vatican Bakeries in a part-time consultancy role.
On other pages, Jamie Oliver has twelve exciting, easy-to-follow recipes for what to do with those leftovers, and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall on why he would have preferred Him to have used sustainably-sourced fishes.

Queen Gives Jobs for the Boys

Her Majesty the Queen of England, Elizabeth II, is facing an inquiry by MPs into why her husband, The Duke of Edinburgh, and children Princes Charles, Andrew and Edward and Princess Anne were all given jobs in the Royal Family without going through a recruitment process. The Queen's Private Secretary explained that the Royal Family had always operated on an hereditary basis and there was no immediate plan to change.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

New Work of Art Unveiled: Offers Welcome

I hereby bags the idea of all the driftwood on the beach at Worthing as my art installation entitled "Totes Wald"*. The installation consists of the planks of wood from the MS Ice Prince drifting ashore, lying on the beach and being recovered on behalf of the Receiver of Wrecks. Note that no pieces of wood are included in the sale so you don't need a 10 metre display space. Ideal for an overpriced bijou studio flat.

The price is £50,000. Please make payment into either the Smith Institute or Progressive Policies Forum accounts. I will attempt to arrange a 419 equity share with them in due course.

Consumer advice: this offer is as bogus as this one. Scroll to bottom of page on link.

* In homage to, not copying, Paul Nash's "Totes Meer" painting of the Luftwaffe scrapheap near Oxford.

Northern Rock and Party Funding Problems Solved

Why doesn't the Government nationalise Northern Rock, turn it into a charity (definite public benefit, eh Suzi?) and use its profits to fund New Labour party administration?

Am I confusing party interests with state interests? Please let me know if there is a difference anymore.

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Compulsory Organ Donation Conspiracy Theory?

What's the connection between Burke and Hare and Brown?

Gordon Brown, for the best of reasons of course, wants you health screened, wants you as healthy as possible and wants the State to own all your transplantable organs in the event of your brain death, no ifs, no buts. What are the odds that in a few year's time an NHS agency will be set up, headed by a Nulab donor croney, to sell harvested organs abroad to defray NHS costs or "invest in improved services".

And is Gordon really proposing to snatch organs from Muslim corpses or will there be a "faith" get out clause?

Saturday, 12 January 2008

No Ifs, No Buts, Set Up a Think Tank Instead

If you are claiming benefits and working up to 15 hours 59 minutes a week but do not want them reduced pound for pound against your wages, have your wages paid to a Think Tank. The Think Tank can then gift you up to £3,000 tax-free.

Idea modified from one used by the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions. *

* warning. This wheeze may not work because of a technicality known as "the law applies to the rest of us".

*Thanks to The Anglo Saxon Chronicle for the doctored poster.*

Sweet Dreams, Gordon and Jacquie

Imagine the Tories deported a terminally ill Ghanaian woman knowing that she could not live without dialysis and could not afford to pay for it in Ghana. But Gordon Brown's moral compass points due north to the frozen pole in the case of Ama Sumani. So that's all right then. Despite trebling the expenditure on the NHS (and doesn't Wales get more per head than England anyway?) Our Beloved Leader and his Home Secretary think it makes more sense to deport someone at a greater cost than the treatment she would receive in Wales where she lived for five years. It makes neither financial nor ethical sense and that sums up New Labour.

Instead of deporting terminally ill women (think of Jane Tomlinson ), why not put all those people who exercise their democratic rights to demand the beheading or forced conversion of the rest of us onto a plane and allow them to repeat their demands on the apron at Kabul International to tour expired squaddies. In the immortal words of BSM T B Williams "Oh dear. How sad. Never mind."

Watching the Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall Chicken Out programmes this week underlined one of the key points of commercial poultry production: if a chicken falls ill or deviates from the weight gain curve then it is necked that day. I reckon our wonderful socialist society is fast approaching those ethics: after all, we belong to the state don't we?

The Peter Hain Thingy

"Look, there's no problem: it wasn't my fault. Someone in the office, who can't make a decent cup of coffee by the way, was meant to put all the donations details on a spreadsheet and download it onto a CD and then post it off to the Electoral Commission. I mean it was that simple and she managed to uck that up. God, I wish I'd done it myself now, I would have done if they'd shown me how to switch the computer on. I give them a job and what do I get, hassle. What is it with these people? Anyway the disc has probably been lost in the post or the courier thanks to twenty years of Tory cuts. Would they have introduced a 100% guaranteed postal system like New Labour has done and how would they pay for it except by closing hospital wards and schools which are experiencing the greatest rise in standards since we trebled the spending?" *

* extract of a conversation allegedly overheard in the fruitbowl between a satsuma and a pear.

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

Well Done Lads

I spotted this item in the Sun via Theo Spark (new link). I was of course not surprised that the Blatantly Burka-wearing Conspiracy gave it no coverage (bad news needs to be buried), but must admit to being at a loss to imagining how the Taliban could have a party given that they believe that everything is wicked western decadence except religion and beheading things.
So for you party people hoping to gatecrash the Helmand scene this is what you need:

1 Tea and sugar
2 Flat bread
3 Goat: but make sure it's not someone's special goat - moderate Taliban favourite classic TV is "Just Goat Friends"
4 BBD: big black dress
5 knife

And hey, it's party time!